I’ve been thinking lately about the choices I’ve made over the last few years and why I made them.

It started with my choice to leave my ex. For all materialistic purposes, staying with him would have been the “wise” choice. It was cheaper to stay with him. It was, financially speaking, less stressful. I wouldn’t have had to take out so much money in student loans for grad school. I’d likely be in a better financial situation now than I am currently with my rent covered, since he made so much more than I did. And in terms of place, a part of identity that indicated where I am in life, staying with him would have been better for me because I was in what appeared to be a successful marriage.

So why did I leave? I was miserable. Beyond unhappy. And looking back, this choice was a revolutionary one considering that so much of society tells us that pursuing happiness is frivolous in the face of things like financial security. By leaving my ex, I made the unwise financial decision. And while I could have filed for alimony, which would have offered me a lot more financial security in the long run, I chose not to because, even though receiving alimony from him was something I was entitled to, I wanted – and needed – a complete severing. I needed him gone from my life in every possible sense.

I chose my own happiness over everything else, including my short and long term financial stability, because even to struggle to pay my bills was a step up from the life-sucking misery of being married to him.

Ever since that point, I have continued to ask myself, “What will make me happy?” I chose to date people because being with them made me happy. I chose to stop dating people because being them did not make me happy. I chose to leave living situations because I was unhappy. I chose to leave a second job because I was unhappy. A guy I was seeing criticized me for leaving the second job because “money is money,” but I was going back to full time at the job I enjoyed, so why stay in a job where customers were rude and demanded far too much of me on a daily basis?

I have walked away from potential partners because they didn’t make me happy. I have stayed with my current partner because he makes me happier than any person ever has. I have never, ever, felt as important to anyone else as I do with the man I’m currently with. We’ve been together almost a year and a half, and in that time I’ve gone from not wanting kids at all, to genuinely wanting to bear his babies. Whether or not we have kids is almost immaterial; the fact that I found someone who loves me so much that the desire to have kids has returned in such a prominent way, is a level of healing I didn’t think I would ever find. That, alone, is a gift I will forever love him for giving to me.

What’s all this leading to? Simply this: I will never cease to value my own happiness ever again. I once heard someone say that they didn’t want to be happy, they just wanted to be content, and even as I heard that, I knew that it was not something I agreed with or wanted for myself. I wanted happiness. And now that I’ve been consistently happy for a longer amount of time than ever before in my life, I’ve seen that startling and empowering truth: I am allowed to make the choices that provide my own happiness. Moreover, I am allowed to set a standard of no longer accepting the things that don’t make me happy.

In a world that would rather I be miserable, I’m choosing to go after the things that most fulfill me. That means I will lose people along the way, but anyone who doesn’t want their loved ones to be happy is not worth keeping in my life anyway. I am happy in who I am. I am happy in the work I do. I am happy in my relationship. I am happy in my writing, my reading, my studying. I am happy in my movements forward in life, in my goals and my dreams and ambitions. I’m happy in my friendships, the people who have always been there for me, loved me, supported me, helped me. I’m happy with my cat and my puppy.

Choosing the paths that make me happy has, literally, transformed my life into something I only ever thought I could have in my dreams. But really, it came down to a matter of what I was willing to fight for. It wasn’t easy. Leaving my ex was the hardest thing I have ever done. And it has caused me a slot of financial stress. But I’d still make the same choices if I could go back and change them because, despite the stress, I’ve learned just how capable and strong I am. And because of that I know that I can withstand anything. I also have learned that choosing my own happiness from the outset means that I likely won’t ever be in a position of being so dependent on other people that I have to sacrifice my wellbeing just for security.

Here’s to healing codependent tendencies.

I am and will continue to choose happiness. It will mean losses along the way, but it will also mean that I continue to build the life that I want. And that’s the greatest gift I could ever give myself.