I am always very conflicted when it comes to the holidays.

I love the aesthetics. The lights and decorations and the music and the “giving” spirit that is encouraged. (I put “giving” in parenthesis because even though there is an air of giving that comes out during the holidays, it also seems that people’s worst personal traits come out at the same time and they get even more rude than they are through the rest of the year.) But I am always conflicted at this time of year because it’s like we, as a society, completely forget about the most needy among us. Churches and corporations and individuals might donate money or food or clothes to be given to families, but we don’t do anything to resolve the issues that lead to so many people living in or below the poverty line.

I think of how the Biden administration pushed back the student loan payback date, and all I can think is…why not just cancel student loans all together? The pandemic isn’t over, even though we like to act like it is. It’s still spreading. People are still refusing to be vaccinated. People are still refusing to wear masks. And far too many who can’t afford not to work are having to choose between risking their lives for barely $15 an hour, or living off of unemployment and risking homelessness. That simply shouldn’t ever happen. Period. What’s the point of having a community in the first place if individuals and entire families are facing not only impoverishment, but the requirement of working during a deadly pandemic.

And see, if people would just get vaccinated or, at the bare minimum, wear masks without making it out to be some huge injustice (when it’s not – wearing masks is safe and very effective. Stop being a piece of human shit), working wouldn’t be quite so dangerous. But this is my whole point anyway: we’re a country of selfish pricks. Forget the common good. Forget charity and kindness. Forget treating people the way we want to be treated. And forget, ya know, looking out for one another.

And you’d think people would be more understanding and compassionate and selfless during the holidays, but no. That’s never been the way of it. Christmas, for some reason, brings out the absolute worst in people. It’s heartbreaking, and yet so common place at this point that I think we’re just numb to it now. And how sad is that?

My partner and I exchanged our Christmas gifts last night. I was excited for him to open the gifts I bought him. They’re very nerdy gifts, both part of the World of Warcraft universe. (They’re figurines.) The look on his face when he opened the gifts filled me with so much excitement and happiness. He was genuinely excited by them, and I love seeing his face light up the way it did last night. And the gifts he got me were simply perfect. He got me some rubber wine corks, a 3 season woman’s sleeping bag (for when we go backpacking next year), a Pride and Prejudice pouch, and gaming dice from The Witcher (cause it’s currently my favorite fantasy show). Like, he completely understands the kind of nerd I am. And I love him so very, very much.

You all know I’ve been struggling with my mental health. But one thing that I can say for sure is that this struggle has not been in vain. I’ve been on this new medication now for about a week and a half, and I’ve seen a big difference in my mood and motivation. I want next year to be better than this one. And it’s not that this one has been bad, just that it’s been much harder than what I expected. There’s been loss. Deep grief. A lot of pain. But also accomplishments. Big accomplishments. I graduated with my M.F.A. And now I’ve signed my very first book contract. Like, how fucking awesome are those things?

I guess part of healing is accepting that things are, most of the time, built by conflicting truths. I have had a great year, but it has also been deeply hard. I love the holidays, but I also hate them. I’ve been struggling a lot with my mental health, but I’m making the necessary steps to look after my health and wellbeing. When I think about where I want to be next year, I see a woman much more in control of her own emotions. I see a woman genuinely letting go of the things that no longer serve her. I see a woman making the scary, hard choices.

What are your holiday hopes?