Sometimes paths weave and change course unexpectedly. Sometimes when one door closes, the momentum shuts other doors as well. Sometimes people walk out of you life. Sometimes you’re left to examine the map alone, relying on your intuition to guide the course you plot.

I am about to graduate with my B.A. in English Literature and Writing. With this accomplishment, I will be leaving the university that I have loved, the buildings in which I have found solace and protection and knowledge.  I am preparing to apply for graduate school, and with this transition has come other transitions. My mental health has been breaking down and because of that I have taken steps to improve myself.  I went back to therapy. I’ve been trying to love myself while also admitting to my faults. I’ve been enforcing boundaries with the people I’m around while also holding myself to their boundaries. This shift has made me less of a doormat, as I have often been prone to be. This shift has lead to a breakdown in a friendship I cherished.

Sometimes people aren’t comfortable when you make positive changes and start enforcing boundaries. Sometimes insecurities block up the connection.

I refuse to look behind and wonder. I am not defined by how others see me, especially when I know I did what was right and healthy for me. I am looking ahead. As I went to sleep last night, rather than focus on the pain and shock of such a volatile and angry ending, I counted all the things for which I am grateful and these are the things I saw:

I am a successful, published author. This is a lifelong dream I have had, and it has come and is continuing to come true.

I have a consistent creative writing practice, something that was inconceivable to me as little as five years ago. I was stuck in writer’s block, unable to give voice to what was brewing inside of me because I was too broken and in denial to access creativity.

I have a loving, supportive, encouraging partner. His unwavering place at my side has become the greatest blessing of my life. When I doubt myself, he encourages me and lifts me out of the haze. He is my greatest fan and my best friend.

I have a job I enjoy with coworkers I respect. It’s this job that will allow me to apply to fifteen different graduate programs and save for the costs of moving (since I will likely have to move).

I’m planning to pursue my ultimate educational fantasy: a PhD. I mean, come on! How exciting is that?

I know so many incredible people. They are dozens of bright lights in a world that makes choosing life so difficult at times.

I have a home that isn’t falling apart. I have financial security. I can afford to see a therapist.

I could go on, but I think my point is made. I’m so grateful for this shift, this change. It means I’m going to grow. It means I’m going to learn. It means I’m going to be challenged and edified. It means I’m going to actually have the space to be an imperfect human being, space to make mistakes and learn.