I could write for hours about my trip to Seattle (and I fully intend to, just in a personal essay capacity, not on my blog), but one thing I want to mention here in a brief post is this: fandoms are currently feeding my mental health. I mentioned this a little bit in a previous post, but it’s true. I’ve lost three fandoms this year (Game of Thrones, The Avengers, and The Magicians, although I might watch some of season 5 of The Magicians if I hear good things), and gained two new ones (Captain Marvel and Good Omens – if you haven’t watched this show, I highly recommend that you do so. It’s incredible and hilarious and so very British and has one of the most wholesome love stories I have ever seen!). I also plan to start watching Buffy, The Vampire Slayer for the first time in my life, as well as Doctor Who because I am now completely obsessed with David Tennant and need as much of him in my life as I can get.
I have anxiety and depression, as I have mentioned before. Fandoms not only provide me with an escape, they often utilize various genres to discuss human issues like mental illness, sexuality, toxic aspects of our culture, disability, race, class issues, etc. I didn’t realize how much all of these things mean to me on a human level until Seattle.
For starters, I met Deborah Ann Woll, the actress who played Jessica in True Blood and Karen Paige in Daredevil. I legitimately cried when I met her. It was strange because usually my cry response is entirely emotional, but this time it was a bodily reaction to too many emotions for me to process. Karen Paige and Jessica both mean a lot to me as characters and I didn’t realize just how much until Deborah came into view. I immediately burst into tears and I couldn’t stop crying.
Her response only made me cry more. Not only was she one of the nicest people I’ve ever met, but she gave me the biggest, best hug I’ve ever received in my life and, after I told her how much I loved her and appreciated her, she said she loved me too and that it was a genuine pleasure to meet me. I was all sobs as I walked to get my picture and I couldn’t stop sobbing and hit me as I was finding my way back to my friends that this was a very real way for me to connect to the True Blood and Daredevil fandoms. Emotionally and creatively, I have been connected to them since I started watching them. But this was different. This was an in-person connection, a thread that hadn’t existed before that does exits now.
Deborah’s panel was phenomenal, too. I stepped up to the microphone to ask her a question and she remembered me from the photo op (I nearly cried again from that alone), and I asked her how she played these strong, women in genres so frequently dominated not only by writers who are men, but also actors who are given so much more screen time than even the leading women characters. (One reason I love The Punisher more than Daredevil is, even though Karen Paige has more screen time in Daredevil, her character really only exists in relation to the other men around her. In The Punisher, Karen is more of a supporting character, but she’s someone who, rather than needing the hero, is needed by the hero. Matt Murdock doesn’t need Karen, and that’s proven in how he pushes her away. Frank does need Karen, and that’s proven in how much he tries to protect her. Anyway, tangent over.) Deborah’s answer was beautiful. She said, “As far as I was concerned, those stories were all about Karen, and I give myself permission to take up that space, to assert my energy in the room right alongside the men.”
This is me, now, with the thread connecting me in even more intimate ways to these fandoms. I also got the chance to meet Jeremy Renner (I cried then, too), and it’s almost like I’ve left emotional fingerprints on their experiences in a similar way that they’ve left fingerprints on me. It’s like our emotional DNAs have all been intertwined at various points in our joined helix of experiences. This can’t be taken away from me.
Some people scoff at superhero films and tv shows. Some people roll their eyes and make fun of comic books. Some people think they’re above fandoms. I used to be one of those people, but life taught me that you cling to belonging where you find it, and as an adult trying to navigate the many ways in which my identity has changed, I’ve begun to cling to fandoms. Good Omens, Captain Marvel, Black Panther, Stranger Things, Jessica Jones, Star Wars (I will write extensively about this as we get closer to December), Star Trek, Lord of the Rings…these stories and characters and settings are parts of me. Some have been for more than a decade. Some are new. Others will follow. I hope they inform how I write my own stories because I want what I write to impact those who read my work. I’d love to imagine that my work could develop its own fandom, but I can’t think about that too much.
More to come! What are your favorite fandoms?
