Well, it’s day four of the residency and WOW! There’s been so much to learn, so much to receive, so much to process. This residency feels much less toxic, much less disruptive than the last two. I think the online learning means that I’m more in control of the energy around me. I can focus better without the toxicity taking up so much of the emotional space.
The lectures have been great, as have the workshops and the readings. My workshop was yesterday and I have a lot of emotions about it. It was a great workshop and I am thrilled with the feedback I received, but it was heavy. Really heavy. Which is a good thing because light feedback doesn’t help me. I’d rather receive honest, heavy feedback of my work that I can actually use to revise a piece than walk away with nothing worth using. Still, I was really emotional after the workshop, which I don’t think is uncommon when working with material that’s still really emotionally raw. Betrayal and neglect and are not easy to heal from; it takes time, and writing about it can help, but that doesn’t mean the piece is emotionally resonant to others. And that can be a difficult thing to hear.
But that is what revision is for. Nothing in its first iteration (or even second or third) is going to really resonate. One of the mentors leading my workshop told me that I’m too reverent to the facts and I fall short of telling the truth of the story. This is a hard thing for me to handle because he’s 100% right. I know the facts of what happened and that, too often, is what I convey when what I need to do is find a way to the truth of the piece. And that’s scary to me because I don’t like the idea that the facts may not add up to the truth. The facts play a role in what the truth is, but the facts will not emotionally echo through my reader; the truth will. Getting beyond the facts and into the truth is my next big hurdle.
It’s terrifying. I was given some great ideas for how to do this, but I’m mortified. I honestly don’t know if I can pull it off, which is another thing I let get in my way: if I don’t know if something will work with my writing, I don’t try it. I want the satisfaction of success before I begin, and that is massively stifling. So my next big goal is to get out of my own fucking way and push myself beyond what I think I’m capable of accomplishing.
That’s my update! I hope you’re all doing well! Let me know how your writing is going!
