This week I’ll be turning in my second packet of the semester.

My essay is taking shape in some of the most marvelous ways. The creative and critical pieces I chose for research have been immeasurably helpful in getting me to the points I was hoping to make and even revealed some delightful truths about my essay I wasn’t immediately aware of. I’m loving the blend of critical and creative writing in this essay and, after today, tomorrow, and Thursday, I’m hoping it will be close to completion. It’s already clocking in at 18 pages, including a Works Cited page, and I have at least another two pages of writing to get out. Probably closer to three or four pages of writing to get out.

This is the process of writing that I love. Taking something like a critical paper and working on it, thinking about it, tasting it like an unfinished recipe, chewing on it, mulling it over and then churning out changes and revisions and edits and watching those changes add details to its body – it’s one of the most fulfilling things I’ve ever encountered. Writing this essay has definitely made me want to pursue a second graduate degree even more, though I’m not sure how that would work financially. I’m not giving up on my goals, especially because there are so many areas of interest I could pursue beyond a masters or PhD in literature, but I’m also going to allow myself permission to be done for a while if that’s what I need.

I went back to school in 2014 after my miscarriages and my college education has been a huge influence on the person I am today. It’s carried me through a lot of losses over the last several years and while I am incredibly excited to look at where furthering my education could take me, I also recognize that I have a need to keep myself busy. I don’t often let myself revel in the tranquility and peacefulness of completion, whether it’s finishing reading a book or finishing a writing packet or a new poem or a degree, I’ve always looked ahead for what new goalpost I want to reach. And that’s not bad, it’s just also strenuous. Taking breaks is healthy. Taking time to relax and breath is healthy.

I don’t have to know everything I want right now, nor do I have to start pursuing those things right now. I’m not even done with my M.F.A. yet. I don’t always need to be in a hurry to get the next big thing done. There are other big things I want to accomplish related to writing that have nothing to do with grad school, like visiting every National Forest in Oregon and going bird watching and learning about the different species of trees native to Oregon and going backpacking and maybe even hiking a little of the Pacific Crest Trail at some point (it’s an absolutely outlandish goal, but it’s one I’m not ruling out if the circumstances are right). I also want to travel at some point and I want to finish my creative writing manuscripts and get books published. These things all require time and that’s time I won’t have if I don’t sit down and commit to the things already in my line of sight.

There’s nothing that says I have to get another graduate degree now. There’s nothing that says that option won’t be available to me at a later time. Especially with Covid-19 requiring more online educational platforms, I might even have a larger choice of graduate programs to choose from if and/or when I decide to continue my education.

Anyway, today has been a good day. The long, holiday weekend was much needed. I’m continuing to get myself more and more out of debt. I’m coming along wonderfully in my packets this semester. My relationship with my boyfriend continues to move steadily forward with emotional maturity and healthy communication. He even met my cat, Lester, this weekend and usually Lester doesn’t like strangers and he hides from them for hours, but he willingly came up to my boyfriend, sniffed him, and then started loving on him. It was a huge deal and it made my heart soar to see.

Once I’m off work today, I’ll be going for a run to clear my head and get the work day out of my mind. Then I’ll be settling in to work on my essay. Then it’ll be time to get some reading done. And then I’ll spend the rest of the night binge watching The Magicians, which is probably going to stay on my binge-radar for a while because, while it has its faults in queer and mental illness representation (and some of them are really big faults), it’s also a show that has fulfilled a lot in me. It inspires me. And it allows me to embrace the magic I see in myself.

You’re filled with magic, too. Don’t forget that. Give yourself some space to embrace that magic today.