I usually dread scrolling through my Facebook memories. I hate seeing how miserable I was last year as I was going through my divorce. I hate seeing how hopeless I thought my life was. I hate seeing the names of people who said they’d always be there for me and then they weren’t. But today there were two things I saw in my memories that I needed.

The first was a meme I shared from the Empaths & Old Souls page that says, “When you first start to draw boundaries & practice selfishness after several years of being programmed towards people pleasing & codependency, you will be triggered to experience feelings of guilt or the ‘villain’ archetype. Ignore it & proceed anyway.” (The meme seems to be a tweet written by someone named SeekCindy.)

Ya’ll, I didn’t know how much I needed that today until I read it. I don’t want to go into too many details, but suffice to say that this is true. Last year I left my ex and started doing what I could to take care of myself. I made choices that were best for me. I made choices that I wasn’t used to making because I am someone who always puts other’s needs before my own. Last year I stopped putting other people’s needs before my own. I enforced boundaries. I raised my expectations for how I’m treated. I gave myself permission to stop caring about what other people thought about me and chose to live my life according to what made me the happiest and the healthiest.

And yeah, the gaslighting I received was outrageous. The feelings of the villain archetype were almost debilitating. But I stood strong in my boundaries. I stood strong in how I expected to be treated. And I am healthier than I have ever been. I don’t settle for less than what I know I deserve anymore. The anger, the resentment, the bitterness, the misery are dwindling each day. And I am stronger than I have ever been. I wish I didn’t have to be this strong, but I’m glad I passed these tests and chose myself, my happiness, and my health. I didn’t know when I shared that meme last year how true it would be one year later, but it is.

The second memory is a photo I took of a passage from a book (I think it was Bird by Bird by Anne Lammot) where, at the bottom of the paragraph, there’s the line “…truth is always subversive.” And ya’ll, I about lost my mind. In my critical essay for this term, I use that very sentiment about truth and subversion. I’m writing about how writers can subvert their reader’s expectations, and in my introduction I write about how I am a writer embracing subversion because I believe the truth is subversive. Seeing that someone else has come to this conclusion about writing fills me with an immense amount of validation and excitement. It’s been years since I read Anne Lammot’s book (if that is, indeed, the book I took a picture of). I didn’t remember that she wrote anything about subversion, and of course her context is about writing in general and my context is specific in terms of different modes of writing as craft, but the excitement is there all the same.

I don’t know how to describe this feeling other than that it’s a reminder I’m where I’m supposed to be, doing what I was born to do. It’s similar to how I feel when I receive an acceptance letter. However much I believe in my talent as a writer, it’s still a huge relief to know that others see that talent, too. And especially for this essay, what is probably the most important critical paper I’ve written up to this point in my life, to see that a statement I make in my paper is a shared idea with a well known, already published writer of poetics…it’s almost too much to hold inside my body.

My educational journey has been a difficult one. I didn’t do well in elementary school. (I think I’ve written about this before, too.) I was home schooled for junior high and high school which means that I was basically a junior high and high school drop out. I attended a home school co-op, but I didn’t graduate with a diploma, there was no accreditation of the classes, and I never got my GED. College has been the only real education I’ve received and I can’t begin to describe how grateful I am for the opportunity to attend. I love learning. I love being challenged. I love the fulfillment of seeing myself grow and become a stronger thinker, a stronger writer, a stronger reader, a stronger student. I struggle constantly with feeling like I’m just playing a part and playing it poorly, so whenever things like this happen and I realize that I am more than my childhood education, I feel overwhelmed by relief and gratitude.

It makes me feel as though I am seen, received, and that I belong. I acknowledge that the realm of academia is extremely flawed and that there are massive injustices that take place in both private and public colleges and universities. I’ve seen these in the graduate program I’m currently in and it’s something that I hope I’m always aware of and do my best to work to change. I’ve also seen a lot of good in the faculty and students in all three of the institutions I’ve attended. I’ve seen a lot of love and social justice work go on behind the scenes. And I know that I, as a white woman, have confronted and continue to confront my privilege because of the people I’ve known throughout my college education. I’m not sure I ever would have done so if I hadn’t gone back to college in 2014. I also realize that holding space for the nuance of education is another massive privilege, and I own that.

Anyway, I needed these two memories today.