Sometimes I have to remind myself that I am not responsible for other people’s choices. I wasn’t responsible in the past for the things they did and said, and I’m not responsible now. I’m also not responsible for how other people react when I tell my story.

Sometimes I wish I could tell my younger self not to trust certain people, but since I can’t, I can only move forward to be the best version of myself I can. I can write through the things I’ve experienced, the complicated feelings, the traumas, the hurts, the disappointments. I can be transparent and open in my writing. I can rely on the people who have been there for me, the people who have respected and supported me, the people who know and see me. And I can do my best to live my life as honestly as I can. It’s hard sometimes. But I know I have the support of the faculty, I have the support of many in my cohort, I have the support of my partner, I have the support of my friends, and I have the support of my family.

Kindness often gets taken advantage of. I choose to be kind anyway. Openness and honesty often get attacked and questioned. I choose to be open and honest anyway. Compassion and forgiveness often get mocked. I choose to be compassionate and forgive anyway.

Sometimes it’s easier to focus on the things I wish I could change than to recognize all the beautiful things in my life. Yesterday was bleak. Issues came up regarding my sexual assault and it put me in a depressive spiral all day. But my partner was supportive and loving the whole time. Last week he gave me an early birthday gift: a remastered version of my favorite video game. He’s held me and let me cry and let me talk when I needed to, and for the first time in I don’t know how long, I wasn’t depressed and crying because of my romantic partner. He mentioned the other day that us living together seems to be going really well, and it really has. I am grateful for that. My cat loves him more than I’ve seen him love anyone other than me, and I am grateful for that.

I am accomplishing more than I ever thought I would in this M.F.A. and I am grateful for that. I am healing and growing and moving beyond the hurts I’ve experienced over the last year, and I am grateful for that. Some of it still stings and still makes me (rightfully) angry, but I can also smile and rest easy knowing that I have done my best.

Next week, I turn 32. I’ve come such a long way. I’ve gone through many difficulties and I’ve had many personal wins. I’ve been working on my creative thesis, typing up poems and trying to organize the sections, and one of the things I realized is that I have lived through a lot of trauma. I don’t have to downplay that. I don’t have to ignore or deny it. I’m allowed to write through it. And I have. And I will continue to.

I’m setting a few new goals now for this next year. By the time I’m 33, I hope to have at least two manuscripts of poetry written. I hope to have paid down most, if not all, of my credit card debt. I hope to have saved at least $2,000. And I hope to have maintained the healthy routines I started this year: exercise, eating more healthy, meditation, etc.