I’ve kept fairly consistent track of my education on this blog since I started it in 2016. I’ve kept even more diligent track of my graduate education since I started my M.F.A. last year. And even though this year has been hectic and just, a real fucking YEAR, I’ve also noticed the little ways that I’m different than I was last year or the year before. And while I could list a bunch of these differences, the overall point of this post is that I’m finally learning to be comfortable with uncertainty.

I was having a conversation with my boyfriend yesterday on our afternoon walk and I asked him what his five year plan was. I like knowing the plans, hopes, and goals of the people I care about so that I can help them reach those goals (if they’re things I can help with). He listed a few of them and I listed a few of mine. One of the things I want is to find a life partner. I hate dating. It’s the worst. It chips away at my self-esteem and makes me wonder how any two human beings actually end up finding each other, ever. I love my boyfriend and, while I don’t want to find myself single again, I can’t predict what’s going to happen with us. Life is too long to be unhappy, is something my boyfriend says. And it’s true. I won’t stay in another relationship that makes me unhappy, but I also don’t want to hop around to different people. I want to find someone I can be happy with long term.

I’d like for this person to be my boyfriend, but it’s only been four months since we’ve been together. Things will change as time goes on. And while everything is going really well right now, there’s no guarantee that they will continue to go well later. All I can do is my best every day to be the best girlfriend I can, to communicate my needs openly, and to listen when he communicates his. I struggle with uncertainty because it makes me scared about what I might lose, but at the same time, I want to be with someone who chooses me because they want me, not because they don’t want to be alone. I want to be with someone who loves and likes me. I want to be with someone who enjoys me. I’ve been alone before and I know I can do it.

I guess I’m saying that I’d rather be with someone who wants to be with me than with someone who’s with me because they feel like they have no other options. Or because they don’t want to be alone. I’ve seen relationships where one person is with the other out of codependence/fear of being alone/fear of losing part of their identity, and it’s always bad. I stayed with my ex for far too long because I was scared no one else would love me. Now I know that it’s most important that I love myself first. Not because “you can’t love others until you love yourself,” because I don’t actually think that’s true at all. A lot of mentally ill people struggle to love or even like themselves and it doesn’t mean they don’t have the capacity to love others. It’s important that I love myself first because I am the only one I can count on. I am worthy of love. I am worthy of belonging. And that should begin with me.

Loving myself is more than a mantra. It’s behavior. It’s attitude. It’s mentality. It’s having boundaries and recognizing when they’re being disrespected. It’s being willing to lose people if they won’t respect your boundaries. It’s self-respect. Loving myself is all of these things and these are the things that will bring me fulfillment in life, in love, in my career, in my friendships. I’ve seen relationships where boundaries are disrespected, where one or both people are passive aggressive and don’t communicate, where both people treat each other nastily. It’s always bad. It’s easy to get stuck in patterns that are familiar. But that doesn’t mean that the pattern is healthy. And it really doesn’t mean that the relationship is healthy.

I know these aren’t big revelations. They’re just subtle things I’ve been processing over the last, well, year. One year changes so much. Last year at this time, I was waiting to hear back about my divorce papers. They had been filed and we were waiting for a judgment from the county. I was ready for the divorce to be over, but I was also grieving the loss of a relationship I’d hoped would last my lifetime. And now I’m in a new relationship. I’m so much healthier, more confident, and stronger now than I was then. I know I can survive even the hardest of things that I face (and while divorce was one of the hardest things I’ve ever gone through, there are other betrayals that are just as damaging, just as scary, and fuck you up just as much). I hate that I have had to fight this hard just to have a life where I’m not miserable, but I am also not going to back down. I will continue to fight for myself. It’s paid off so far.

These are just some subtle things I’ve come to realize. Sending you all love today. Stay warm.