I’m not being sarcastic, either.

One year ago today, the finalization of my divorce from my ex came through. The divorce which we had decided from the beginning to keep civil (and which he made incredibly uncivil) came to a close and I felt lost. If you haven’t gone through a divorce (especially one with a neglectful and emotionally abusive spouse), then it’s hard to understand why someone would feel lost knowing they’d been separated from that person forever. I couldn’t even explain to myself why I was grieving the loss of a relationship that so often made me want to disappear.

Now, one year later, I understand more of what I felt then. I don’t think my ex was a horrible human being. I think, like a lot of people, he grew up navigating complicated and, at times, unhealthy family situations. I think he never really had his feelings validated and so he learned to repress his emotions. This made connecting with him, and him connecting with me, almost impossible, especially as my mental health started to deteriorate and more emotional labor was asked of him.

I think he also carried a lot of resentment that he wouldn’t acknowledge or deal with. Resentment allows us to feel superior. It shines the light of guilt away from ourselves and onto others, which is exactly what he did throughout our marriage. If he didn’t think he was wrong, it didn’t matter how I felt. If he didn’t think he was wrong, it didn’t matter how secretive he was, how much he kept from me about our finances or about buying the triplex or about our taxes, things I had a right to know. He thought he knew best and that was all.

I’m not sure I can give him total benefit of the doubt, though. If the roles had been reversed and I had been the one keeping things from him, he would have left me a long time ago. He never would have put up with that amount of continued disrespect. I’m also fairly certain that when he did start individual therapy, he lied about me to his therapist. I can’t prove it, but based on the other things I know he did lie about, it wouldn’t surprise me. Ultimately, I think he resented me. I think he was lost inside himself. I think he struggled with both a desire to be liked and received well by his coworkers and also feeling as though friendships with them would be beneath him. I think this arrogance came across to pretty much everyone he worked with, I think he felt everyone was mislabeling him on purpose, and because he couldn’t (or wouldn’t) address the issue directly, he took it out on me because that was easier.

He treated me horribly. And while I was not a perfect wife, I know that if the roles were reversed, he’d have left me years ago. The amount of disrespect, dishonesty, neglect, gaslighting, body shaming, and emotional abandonment I endured and put up with from him astonishes me even now.

When I say I made an escape, I mean that I made an escape. I didn’t even know how great an escape I made until after I started healing from the horrendous life that was my marriage. I don’t think he intentionally tried to make me miserable. I just think he stopped caring about how he much he was hurting me.

So yes, today I am celebrating. I’m reveling in the fact that I am living my best life. Back then, I would have settled for being not miserable, that’s how desperate I was. I never would have imagined that only one year after my divorce, I’d be not just not miserable, but actually and thoroughly happy. Not just happy, but thriving. Invested in my own well being. Independent and stronger. Succeeding in my job and in my education and in my creative endeavors. In a new relationship with a man I love and respect and who treats me with love and respect.

Today, I’m celebrating because this is worthy of celebration. I denied myself even the little victories for so long, that now I’m going to enjoy when things go right in my life. I’m going to take the time to appreciate where I am, who I am, and all the blessings that I have. So, I’ve bought myself some books, I’m going to get myself a delicious lunch, and I’m going to soak in a hot bath later.

Happy divorce-ary to me!