Yesterday was day one of NaNoWriMo. You all know I’ve given myself a pretty lofty goal to write 20,000 words of poetry for the month. I was hoping to spend my Sunday being productive, getting reading and writing done, cleaning the condo, and planning meals for the week so I could go into this week ready to care for myself.

I got none of it done.

I was massively depressed yesterday. I don’t know if it was the election or the continued effect of all the horrors of Covid-19 or if it wasn’t anything at all, but I spent the whole day fighting and internal fight. Depression is difficult for me, more difficult than anxiety most of the time because I can manage my anxiety better. Depression is harder for me to manage and so I often forget to give myself the breaks I need.

I’m an overachiever. I always have been, and while that has been a good thing in my education, it’s meant a lot of suffering in other areas of my life. So when I get really depressed, it becomes really hard for me to manage my mental health because all I focus on is how much I’m not getting done, how far being I’m falling in my goals for the month, how long it’s been since I swept the condo, how many times I’ve told my boyfriend I was going to sweep the condo and then haven’t.

But here’s the thing I’ve needed to remind myself: I’m allowed to not be okay. My value and my worth are not defined by whether I forget to clean the cat box or how long it takes me to put the dirty dishes in the dish washer. The state of my mental health is not something I need to prove to anyone. Sometimes I’m not okay. Sometimes I need to not have demands on my time. Sometimes I need to spend my free time being completely unproductive so my mind and body can rest.

I don’t allow myself enough spaces of time to be completely unproductive. Things have happened that have made me feel as though I’m not allowed a break, that I have to get everything done that needs to get done or I’m a bad writer, or a bad girlfriend, or a bad roommate, and honestly, fuck that noise. I’ve pushed myself far beyond that I can take so many times for so many people and it has always turned out horribly for me. And even though I’m now in a healthy living situation, I still carry these implications, I still worry that I’m always doing something wrong.

So yesterday, I gave myself what I needed: permission not to get done the things I needed to get done. I was honest with my boyfriend about how I was struggling, and he spent so much of the day with me, just watching Jessica Jones and giving me reassurance when I needed it. It was a healing experience to be honest because it showed me that I don’t have to be someone who always keeps everything together for everyone else. And even though I still felt guilty for sitting on the couch all day and eating unhealthy food, I slept really well last night. And I feel so much better today.

The word is chaos and uncertainty right now. The election is tomorrow, though we won’t have results until days, maybe even weeks, after. This means I’m going to be in a heightened state of anxiety, fear, concern, and even panic. If what I need is to go easier on myself, then that’s what I’ll do. If what I need is to spend several days just resting, then that’s what I’ll do. Even if it means that some of the things I need to do don’t get done right away. Because forcing myself to always hold myself together for the sake of others is exactly the behavior that kept me married to an emotionally abusive ex. I won’t allow myself to fall back into those patterns.

I still have a goal of writing 20,000 words this month, but I am comfortable knowing I probably won’t make it. But even if I only write 5,000 words of poetry this month, that’s still a huge accomplishment. Because on top of that, I’m also working on my creative thesis which takes precedent (obviously). So I can and will be happy with not meeting my 20,000 word goal, especially if it means I’m giving myself the breaks I need to keep myself healthy.