It’s healthy to celebrate our little milestones along with the big ones.

I’ve been trying to figure out easy ways of incorporating more fresh produce into my daily food intake. I don’t really believe in “dieting” as it usually cuts out specific types of food and, outside of actual dietary restrictions, it’s not usually good for us to restrict our intake of foods. I don’t have any dietary restrictions and lately I haven’t been eating very healthy. And I’m not ashamed of that because there’s a pandemic going on and enjoying food is something I can still indulge in.

But I’ve noticed that when I don’t eat healthy at all, my mental health worsens and I generally just feel icky. So, after months of trying to find the easiest ways of getting fruits and vegetables added into my daily diet, I have finally settled on smoothies. Frozen produce actually tends to be healthier than fresh produce because it maintains a high level of vitamins and nutrients, whereas fresh produce start to lose their vitamins and nutrients as they ripen and then start to rot.

However, not all smoothies are created equal. Depending on what is in them, they can actually come out closer to a milkshake. So I’ve been taking frozen fruits (mango, pineapple, peaches, strawberries, bananas, blueberries, raspberries, blackberries, and cherries), frozen sweet potato, fresh spinach (because it blends much more evenly than frozen spinach), and either water or milk and blending them with some kind of added protein. In the past, I’ve used some kind of protein powder, but I’ve always hated how the powder altered the texture of the smoothie. Plus, protein powders can pack on extra calories from sugar. So instead, I’m using peanut butter, plain Greek yogurt, and even raw eggs to add protein to my smoothies. (I have yet to incorporate chia and flaxseeds into my smoothies. I’m also curious to try almond butter at some point. And I also need to purchase some spices like cinnamon, nutmeg, and extracts like vanilla, peppermint, etc. for added flavors.)

The great thing about these smoothies is that they’re not only nutrient rich and very healthy, they’re also helping me get my protein and my fiber in for the day. Protein and fiber keep us fuller longer. I’ve also noticed that after I’ve had a smoothie, I don’t crave unhealthy foods as much. Today for my late morning lunch, I’ll be taking five hard boiled eggs, cutting them up, and mixing them with diced avocado, diced roma tomatoes, diced cucumber, diced onion, chopped green onion, chopped cilantro, and a dash of salt and pepper. It’s an absolutely delicious meal, full of protein and healthy fats, lots of fiber, and immensely rich with nutrients.

Why am I writing about all of this? Because my physical health has been a big part of my journey of healing from my marriage. My ex made me feel horrible about my body. I felt ugly, I felt undesirable, I felt unwanted. I tried so many time to lose weight while I was with him, but I could never lose more than ten pounds before I’d stop losing weight. And then I’d gain it all back. I felt completely unworthy of his love. I felt like I had to earn his attention by losing weight, and I could never get that to happen.

Part of my healing process is 1) unlearning the idea that I have to be thin and fit to be worthy of love and attention, and 2) learning that taking care of my body is an important part of my healing process. A lot of my traumas happened in my body and because of that, I’ve had a lot of body dysphoria. I’ve felt disconnected from my body for a long time. My miscarriages and then the traumas of my marriage and my divorce have caused a breakdown in how I treat my body. In taking back my body, in taking back my health, I am taking ownership of my healing. Adding smoothies to my daily diet is part of that ownership.

This year was a year of increased health for me. I lost a lot of weight. From summer of 2019 up until summer of 2020, I lost about forty to forty-five pounds. I started eating better. I maintained a consistent exercise regimen. I increased the amount of fresh produce I was eating. And I saw big differences in my physical health, as well as in my mental and emotional health. Because, again, these choices all mean that I am taking back my body, my health, my life. And what equates to healthy for me won’t equate to healthy for someone else. But if I want to take care of myself (and I do…that’s why I left my ex), then I need to listen to what my mind and my body need.

It takes me all of maybe ten minutes to make a smoothie. Ten minutes to invest in my physical health and wellbeing. Because here’s another thing I’ve learned this year: it is possible to believe that conventional beauty standards are bullshit (because they are), and still want to make myself healthier. Things can coexist. My choices about my own body have nothing to do with anyone else’s choices about their bodies. I made bad choices about my body during my marriage because I was anxious and depressed and I wasn’t taking care of myself and I had a spouse who made me feel like I deserved to suffer. But I don’t deserve to suffer. And the more I invest in my body now, the less I feel his residue on my psyche.

It’s as simple as that. Leaving my ex was a big milestone. Learning how best to take care of myself is an ongoing, multifaceted process, but it’s one that has helped me a lot. My next step is to get back into a consistent exercise regimen. One step at a time.