This Christmas was one of the best I can remember in years.

My boyfriend got me two really phenomenal gifts. A pair of hiking boots for when the weather improves, some adorable wool socks with foxes on them, and some bath bombs because he knew I was out. His mother got me a hiking backpack (which is super nice and I cannot wait to use it!) and a weighted blanket with is so comfy and soft. My parents got me a stuffed Baby Yoda, some cute slippers, and my brother got me a kind of blanket wrap that is so incredibly soft.

But it wasn’t the gifts that made this year so great. The holidays have stressed me out since I became an adult. My ex had a big family, all of whom wanted us to attend their holiday celebrations, which made each holiday a stressful event rather than an enjoyable one. And it didn’t matter how stressed or anxious I was, my ex would never agree to have any holiday just to ourselves. So I started skipping some of his family’s events to give myself some peace of mind.

This year, there was very little stress. My boyfriend and I stayed home due to the rise of Covid numbers in our area and spent a relaxing holiday weekend doing absolutely nothing. We played video games. We napped. We watched tv. We ate junk food. I missed my family, for sure (my mom always makes a big deal out of Christmas with a nice breakfast and delicious dinner), but it was really refreshing to spend Christmas without the hassle and the stress. Especially because last year at this time I was still struggling through the first holiday season after my divorce; I was lonely, I was sad, I was trying to rebuild myself, and now I can look around and see what rebuilding myself has meant. I can see the growth, the change, the ways my life has improved and how I’ve found healing.

Honestly, that’s been the best part. Healing. I have a lot of healing left to do, but starting that journey is, I think, the hardest part. It’s not easy to start therapy or to have a doctor recommend taking medication for anxiety and depression or to start new habits and patterns for your mental and emotional health. It’s scary, it’s exhausting, but the results are more than worth it. When you see old wounds start to heal, when you feel yourself softening to vulnerability and learning just how strong you really are, you start to realize how much power you really possess.

In just a few days, I’ll begin my fourth residency. Seeing just how much I’ve grown and changed since that first residency is truly astounding. This is what it means to put myself first. And yeah, putting myself first has meant a lot of loss, the biggest of which was the life I had hoped to live with my husband. Putting myself first meant walking away from a relationship that was really bad for me. It meant giving up on the marriage I had been fighting to keep alive for years. I meant sacrificing my comfort, my financial security, and a huge part of my identity.

But the payoff is happiness. It’s self-fulfillment. It’s knowing that I didn’t allow myself to disappear from my own life. Sometimes the things we lose are actually a means of gaining more of ourselves. I’m not a wife anymore, but I am now someone’s chosen partner; I’m his roommate, his friend, his lover. I’m my own sense of fulfillment. My insecurities have improved. I can see myself relying less and less on what people think of me and becoming more sure in how I see and think of myself.

This coming Friday is the first day of 2021. And while I am really excited to leave this wretched year behind, I also have to acknowledge that this year has been one of the most important of my life. I can’t and won’t downplay the significance of that. So as we approach the end of 2020, I want to take stock of where I am and make note of where I’d like to be this time next year. Because no matter what happens in 2021, I intend to keep investing in my wellbeing. It’s gotten me this far. Let’s see how far it can take me.