There’s something about the first few days of spring that fill me with a sense of gratitude.
Over the last several months, I’ve been told from more than one person that they see “an enormous change in me” compared to when I was still married to my ex. Friends have said it. Friends I’ve never met in person have said it. A friend said it to me last night as she was doing my hair. And while I can certainly feel the change, it’s never not amazing to me when other people say they can see it, too.
Because sometimes, there’s just so much going on around me, I forget to really look at how far I’ve come. I’ve also lived most of my adult life being made to feel as though I’m lucky to be noticed at all, let alone genuinely valued and cherished. It’s hard unlearning the things that other people project onto you, feed into you, and force feed you. It’s hard to learn to see yourself as intrinsically valuable when you’ve been beaten down, discarded, mistreated, lied to and about, and made to feel as though your value is solely linked to what you have to offer someone else. That stuff sticks to your ribs. It’s like it becomes part of you, and working it out of your body is really fucking hard.
But I’m learning which voices I should listen to, and which voices I should ignore. I’ve been trying to find a new therapist, one who can really help me with not only coping mechanisms for these things, but also who can help me dig out the parasites that keep leaching off of my blood. Because even though I’m not divorced and I don’t have to see my ex or talk to him most of the time, his influence isn’t gone. And there are voices from throughout my life stuck inside me that keep me wondering if I’m worthy of any love or belonging at all.
And I know the answer is absolutely, yes I am, but knowing an answer and really believing it are two different things. It’s taken this long for me to really know and understand just how worthy I am of love, acceptance, and belonging. So now the work needs to be towards really believing it. Which, I imagine, is going to be even more challenging that getting to the knowing.
Little by little, I’m shaping myself into someone I love, someone I’m proud of, someone happy in herself, first, above all else. Because yes, while I do deserve love and belonging whether I love myself or not, I shouldn’t settle for anything less than loving myself, too. Because it was the lack of love for myself that allowed me to put up with what I knew was horrible treatment from my ex and others. It was the idea that I was lucky anyone wanted to love me at all that kept me in such a toxic and abusive marriage. So I’m choosing to no longer abuse myself in that way. Loving myself first means that I set the standard for how I’m treated. No one else does. And there is such enormous power in that.
To work towards all of this, I intend to get back into therapy. I intend to start exercising little by little (I’d like to start doing yoga.) And I intend to start fueling my body with food that’s actually good for me, while also saving room for all the burritos and all the ice cream. Because believing that I deserve love and belonging also means doing what I can to love myself. And I feel so much better when I do the little things to take care of my body. Plus, I’m hoping this summer I can really get some good hiking in now that I have a hiking pack and some hiking boots. I want to love my body as it is now, while also building the body that will allow me to accomplish the goals I’ve set for myself.
Today, I choose to love myself unconditionally. I hope you will, too.
