Therapy does more than help us heal from trauma. It also lays the foundation for how we process everyday experiences moving forward from the healing process. It, quite literally, changes the way(s) our brains function in the aftermath of healing.

Trauma is damage to the brain, as well as to the body and the emotional self. There are so many different types of trauma, and each one is going to affect people differently, but what does seem to be the general rule is that enduring trauma (especially severe/numerous/long lasting trauma) causes the brain to function differently than it otherwise would. Hormonal function alters. Synapses might fire differently. Depression, anxiety, PTSD, OCD, and other mental health issues can develop. Healing trauma can help to reorient the brain. This can and often does include taking medication which, for me, has definitely helped in the managing of my mental illnesses.

The type of trauma treatment I’m going through is scientifically based and focuses on the reorientation of the functions of the brain. And while I am only two weeks into this treatment, I can feel and see a difference. Because trauma impacts more than we realize. It can negatively affect our self-esteem, our confidence, our ability to love and be kind to ourselves, and those things often then affect our personal relationships, usually in very negative, destructive ways. Two sessions of therapy is not enough to heal much of anything, but even starting the healing process has helped me refocus.

The weeks leading up to Mother’s Day put me in a place of really severe depression. Debilitating depression. I took several days off work and simply slept all day, unable to eat or do much of anything. Brain fog was horrendous. I had more than one whole conversation with my partner without knowing what I was saying, or that he had even said anything to me at all. My ability to concentrate was pretty much nonexistent. And while I’m glad that I am divorced from my ex, going through this time of year without the only other person who saw what my miscarriages were, was very isolating.

Of the traumas I’ve suffered, my miscarriages are probably the two I’ve done the most healing work for, and yet they still negatively impact me in really huge ways. I have nightmares about them, I have dreams about what my life might be like if I hadn’t had them, I am reminded of them almost constantly, especially when I’m menstruating or taking birth control. There is no existence for me in this body that can disconnect from those experiences. And while I will always mourn my miscarriages, I do not want to be so negatively impacted by them. I don’t want to simply “manage” their affect on me. I want healing, not so that I can pretend they didn’t happen or try and forget about them, but so that I can continue to understand them beyond the physical experience. I want to heal so that I can see myself more fully, as someone more than a woman who had two miscarriages. I want to heal so that I can rediscover some of the pieces of me I lost over the years.

I have healed hardly any of the wounds inflicted by my marriage. It was the trauma that lasted the longest and took the greatest toll. So healing from it will take time and a lot of effort. But I’m tired of living with insecurity. I’m tired of constantly allowing myself to be taken advantage of, for setting the bar so incredibly low for the people in my life. I love making people happy, but I cannot continue to do so at my own expense. Because the truth is that it doesn’t matter how much I try to put others before myself, I will never be able to love and support someone out of their own selfishness. Takers will always take until you have no more to give, and then they’ll blame you when you’re running on empty and have to enforce boundaries.

I can see my self-esteem growing. I can feel the confidence returning. I see it in my writing, in my general embrace of myself, and even in how I preform at my job. I’m increasingly given more and more responsibilities at work, given more duties and allowed to learn beyond the initial scope of my position. I’m told often that I’m doing a great job. And I’m loving the work I’m doing. I really am. And I believe in my ability to get the work done. It’s a feeling I love and truly want to chase as often as I can.

Monday I’ll be going on my first solo site visit to Coos Bay. Seeing how far I’ve come, how much I’ve learned, and how quickly I’ve picked things up in a technical job when I don’t have a technical degree, is one of the most badass things I can say about myself. The farther I go, the more I love what I do, and the more I want to keep learning. And as much as I have imagined myself as an educator, I can now also see myself staying in this field for my career. I can see myself as a designer. (I’d need more training to do this full time, I think, but it’s not outside the realm of possibilities.) This was not something I expected, but I am excited by it.

Here’s the kicker: I don’t think I’d be doing as well as I am without 1) therapy, and 2) medication.

I’ve been feeling better fairly consistently since I left my ex. But now I feel that these improvements are building toward something. Not just overall wellness, although there certainly is that too, but also to a me that will go on to do really amazing things. And rather than this be the hope, I feel more confident that it’s a reality I can manifest. I refuse to shrink, silence, and hold myself back just so other people can feel better about their own lives. I won’t damage myself that way. And by “amazing things,” I don’t necessarily mean that I expect to be a world famous writer (although I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t going to do my damnedest to make that happen), but rather I mean that I intend to live an amazing life. I intend to accomplish a lot. To grow. To write. To live. To love. To learn. To read. To push myself and really extend out beyond my comfort zones.

I will write books. I will have them published. I will write and create until my dying breath. But I also intend to keep myself open to the unexpected avenues. That’s how we live lives of adventure. It’s how we infuse our lives with poetry. And I will live a poetic life.