Okay, while I am immensely excited for summer to get here (while I definitely don’t like the extreme heat, I do love the sunshine and the trees and flowers and birds and general aesthetic of summer), I am not ready for it to be here yet. We just hit June and already have had 80 and 90 degree days. That is just far too hot. It’s supposed to cool down this weekend, but still.
This month is my partner’s and mine 1 year anniversary.
It feels amazing to look back over this last year of dating to see how far we’ve come, how close we are, and how closer still we keep becoming. Being with him is not only good for my soul and my heart and mind, it’s good for who I am as a person. He makes me feel safe and wanted and cared for. I’ve never had that. I’ve never known that relationships actually can, and should, give these things to each person. I am so unbelievably lucky to have him in my life. I love him more than I have loved anyone, and so does my cat. They are best buddies and it’s the cutest thing to watch.
Therapy has elicited something inside of me that I can’t really name or describe yet. But even after that one session of EMDR, I feel…different. My body feels different. It’s not just my mind or my emotions, it’s my physical self in tandem with the rest of me. I’ve been having some bizarre dreams, which my therapist told me to expect, and my anxiety has been heightened. In response, I’ve upped my dose of Prosac to counterbalance the anxiety as I continue through this treatment.
I’m also focusing on the little things I can do to take care of my body. I’m giving myself more moments of rest. I’m moving more, getting outside and breathing the fresh air. I’m hydrating and finding healthy snacks to munch on. I’m meditating again and journaling and allowing myself to be messy. I’ve been so “proper” my entire life, and right now I need the space to be messy. Healing is complicated. It’s not a clean journey from one point to the next, there are detours and roadblocks. That needs to be okay. I need to be okay with that.
I’m celebrating this win, this emotional and mental win. I’m also celebrating because my credit score has improved a lot since my divorce! Paying off debt is a huge relief. And while I will definitely have a large amount of student loans to pay off after this M.F.A., I can take comfort in the fact that I won’t have other enormous amounts of debt on top of the loans. Car loan? Paid off. Personal loans? Paid off. Taxes owed? Paid off (even though my ex was supposed to pay them off and my tax returns did most of the work, but whatever.) Credit cards? Two almost completely paid off and one almost halfway paid off.
In only a couple of weeks, I’m celebrating one year with the man I love.
In a few weeks, I’ll be starting my final graduate school residency.
Only a week or so after that, I’ll be graduating with my M.F.A.
It’s gonna be stressful, but I know I can do it, and once it’s all done, I am going to PARTY.
