I was supposed to have a therapy appointment this week, but my therapist wasn’t feeling well and had to cancel. As a result, my emotions have been scattered this week. I’ve had good days, I’ve had bad days. I’ve had productive days at work, and then done nothing but lay in bed. Such is life with mental illness.

I’m learning to take even the small celebrations and allow myself time to enjoy them. Work has been hectic, but so, so good! My training on-site is over for now, which means I am clear to start tackling more projects in the field. How awesome is that? I’m not technically trained, my education is in the liberal arts, and yet I am lucky enough to work in a job where I’m not pigeon-holed into one or two duties. I’m allowed to explore, to learn, to extend beyond my job description.

And I am loving it! My boss has said I’m weird because I enjoy working on this large, busy project, and I wish I could explain why I love it, but I do. I feel accomplished. I’m proud of the work I’ve done, the amount I’ve learned, the amount I’m still learning. It’s fulfilling. And now that our office is opening back up part time, I can start getting back into my cubicle with all my comic-con art. Tuesdays and Thursdays I’m in the office, so it’s back to my early wake up time. And it’ll be nice to only have a ten minute drive to the office!

A part of me is sad to watch grad school end. Even though I’ve accomplished so much, and I’m immensely proud of the poetry I’ve written and the thesis I created, I still feel sad at watching this part of my life come to a close. I’ve been working for seven years towards this goal. And honestly, going back to college after my second miscarriage is part of what kept me alive as I grieved. It gave me the space to feel, to process, to put into words the pain I felt. Because of my education, I learned how toxic my marriage was, and how much better I deserved. Because of my education, I got the job that I have now that has allowed me to put myself through graduate school. Seeing that end definitely makes me a little sad.

But I am so exhausted. It’s like I’ve been working out for two years and I finally get to take a break. I am very ready for grad school to be over, not because it’s been a bad experience, but because I need room to breathe. I need to put this part of my life – the good and the bad – behind me. The lessons I’ll carry with me always. I will continue to write and to read. I will continue to learn, grow, and find opportunities in the literary community. I have a consistent, dedicated writing practice. I have for years now.

The difference is that all of my free time will be my own, and how I’m looking forward to that!

I don’t know what the future has planned for me, but I feel an excitement in my body that speaks to something stirring, something not just new, but also big. I’ve been learning how to self-sooth, and in that process, I’m learning how to self-create. And re-create. I intend to create and re-create into my goals and ambitions. This isn’t what I thought my life would look like, but in so many ways, it’s better than I could have imagined. I am loved. I am accepted. I am supported. I am thriving.

I am grateful.

I hope you have a lovely weekend.