Today and tomorrow, I’m taking off of work for vacation. I was supposed to go to Vegas and meet up with some friends, but after Omicron went rampant I decided that was an unwise idea and canceled my trip. But I still wanted the vacation, so I’m staying home and resting. Today I got my hair done (and I am thoroughly obsessed with it!) and I’ve been working on homework, which has given me such a sense of self-direction. I really and truly do feel as though I am finally embracing not only the person I am becoming, but the person I already am.

It hasn’t been easy. Healing never is. And it’s meant that I’ve been having dreams about the people I would most like to forget. Last night, I dreamt about my ex. It was a horrible dream, one that included his family and put me in a position where I was both physically and emotionally unsafe. It didn’t hit me as hard as dreams about my ex usually do, so I’m taking that as a win, but it definitely hung over me most of the day.

But I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately because I’ve been having multiple dreams/nightmares about the people who’ve abused me, and I’ve come to a conclusion. We know that when abuse victims leave their abusers, often the abuser will try and win them back with love bombing and other forms of affection because they hate feeling as though they’re losing their power over the victim. Well, in the same way, when we really start to heal the deepest parts of ourselves, I think those wounds come to us in the form of nightmares because we’re actually losing the last remnants of what connects us to our abuser. It’s the last of the “dead flesh” getting cut away, so to speak.

And the thing is, I know this healing is working because I genuinely want the people who have mistreated me to find some kind of peace and happiness, whatever that looks like for them. It’s not easy, wishing them well, but then I look at who I am now and the life I’m building and I think, who I am now would never put up with that shit. And ya’ll – I cannot even describe how fucking amazing that feels, knowing that I am strong enough in my sense of self-worth to never again allow anyone to treat me even a little like they did.

Because the truth is that there are people in this world who cannot stand the light of others. Jealousy, insecurity, self-doubt, competition, toxicity, selfishness…so many things contribute to these unhealthy bonds that lead us into the darkest parts of our lives. And rather than genuinely basking in the light that others radiate, and letting them bask in ours, there’s so much more focus on trying to dim the lights around us. Well, I’m not going to dim my light just to make someone else feel more comfortable. Nor will I ask anyone else to dim their light for me. I am putting to rest those mentalities this year.

And then I am going to shine like a fucking beacon. Hopefully those who tried to dim my light will find the way to shine without needing other lights to dim or go out entirely. Hopefully they will find their own healing, their own health and happiness, but I’m not going to worry over them anymore. That’s not my burden to carry. I will speak blessings over them, I will speak blessings over me, and I will continue to live my life. I will write. I will grow. I will heal. I will learn. And I will give myself the space and compassion that I deserved from them, because I also deserve to receive it from myself.

I’m sending love and light to ya’ll.