It’s hard enough to be an author on its own, especially when you have a day job and other responsibilities that can get in the way of the creative process. But this is made even more difficult when you also have to juggle mental illness and its impact on the mind, the body, and creative expression.

I have struggled with mental illness for the vast majority of my life. Like many people, I masked my symptoms heavily. I was an avid attendee of church and whenever I broke down in the middle of praise and worship, or if I broke down at the altar, I assumed it was because I was being influenced and touched by the Holy Spirit. And, if I’m being completely honest, I miss the effectiveness of that. Prayer isn’t a “cure” for mental illness, despite what many evangelicals will try to tell you, but the placebo effect — the chemical release that occurs in the brain that makes you feel better because you think you’ve been given the medicine to treat your pain — is powerful. And prayer absolutely does cause the placebo effect; studies have shown that prayer/worship can release the feel good chemicals like serotonin and dopamine.

I don’t go to church anymore. I don’t believe in the Christian god anymore. I don’t really pray anymore. I meditate. I go into nature. I talk to animals and to myself and to the earth, but I don’t believe in a deity. So the placebo effect of prayer is no longer something I can benefit from, and because of that, the negative impact of my mental illnesses are even more profound.

I take medications. I try and keep myself hydrated and fed and I try to eat at least some fruits and vegetables everyday to fuel my body and my mind, but those things can only go so far. Maybe for some people, yoga is enough. Maybe for others, an all-natural diet is enough. But for some of us, we need the medications and the consistent therapy and the acknowledgement that, even on our good days, we are going to struggle.

There are times when I feel like people think I’m faking my mental illnesses because I can hold down a good paying, full time day job. The truth is that my working a full time job is part of how I treat my mental illnesses. If I’m not working, I spiral. If I can’t cover the costs of my living expenses, I spiral. And the only way that I can keep myself from those spirals is if I am working a full time job that covers my expenses, like my current job does. My job is stressful, but I enjoy the work. I enjoy my coworkers. I like the company I work for. And I get an immense amount of satisfaction from investing in my career.

But again, just because I can work a high-stress job without it depleting all of my energy and creative focus, doesn’t mean that I am not still battling depression and anxiety. I am depressed and anxious every single day. It just manifests differently.

Some people also think that because I write multiple books a year, it must mean I’m not that depressed. But that couldn’t be further from the truth. Today, I have been battling an enormous amount of depression. I managed to get some writing done, but it was hard. I wasn’t happy with my work and I had to stop when the depressive spiral sent me into a tailspin of self-doubt. I’m revising my rough draft which means the writing of my sequel novel still needs a lot of work before I can call it polished. When my depression gets bad enough, it makes me notice the flaws in my writing. It makes me question my creative choices. It fills my mind with negativity and words about how I’ll never live up to the expectations I’ve set for myself, or to the expectations others have set for me.

Once those thoughts set in, I walked away from my computer. And, without the writing to distract me, I fell into a deep pit of depression. One I was able to (kind of) climb out of, but the residual effects are still there. So, I went online and looked at houses. I can’t afford to buy one yet and likely won’t be able to for many years, but it is something I’ve put on my five year plan. Staying committed to my career and to my writing are the two biggest things that will get me to this goal of being a home owner. I may not make enough with my writing to ever cover an entire mortgage payment, but I can, at least, work as hard as I can to get as close to that as possible.

Which means that this battle with depression and anxiety is going to be a forever and always commitment. Some people think that depression is just sadness with extra sadness on top. It’s not. Some people think anxiety is just attention seeking. It’s not. Some people think PTSD is something only military personnel can get. It really isn’t. And juggling all of these things while trying to live my life as productively as possible while not working myself into oblivion, is such a hard thing to do. I am exhausted all of the time. My own mind works against me, filling me with thoughts and feelings that I’m not good enough, that I’m a let down, that my personal goals and dreams are completely unattainable, that even if I work hard and push myself, I’ll never accomplish the things I’ve set out to do.

Those are the thoughts I battle on my good days.

So even though I do write consistently and I have been meeting my target goals, I always have to focus on making sure that I’m taking care of myself enough that I can keep writing and meeting my target goals. I have to make sure I’m eating, that I’m hydrating, that I’m getting enough sleep, that I’m resting when I need it, that I’m being social and spending time with the people who matter most, that I’m not working myself into exhaustion while also not giving myself too much leniency. I could go on. The point is that depression doesn’t ever go away and, even when I’m having good days, those days are good because I’m always juggling multiple needs for myself at once.

If you have people in your life who struggle with mental illness, check in on them. Ask them one thing that they could use that would make their life easier. Encourage them. Lift them up. Support their art. Share it with others. You don’t know how much you might keep them going and working on their passions rather than give up.

I hope you all have a happy holiday.