I’m still safe, but I am not doing well.
I’m exhausted after evacuating yesterday. I didn’t sleep well from the stress and the uncertainty and the fear. My two cats were restless all night and kept my boyfriend awake when he already doesn’t sleep well. And honestly, I’m spent. I really don’t have the necessary amount of energy to keep pushing through every single thing that keeps going wrong in my life. And I almost hate writing that because I know that for all I’ve been through, there are others who have now lost their homes or who’ve lost loved ones to the fires or who’ve lost livestock and pets and other animals or who’ve lost their livelihood. None of that has happened to me and so I don’t want to complain when I am, all things considered, very lucky.
But I also can’t deny how utterly spent I am. I work full time. I’m a full time grad student. Both of these are things I love. I’m immeasurably lucky to have such a supportive and understanding partner. My family is all okay. My parent’s home is still standing and all of our belongings are safe, for the time being. My cats are safe and, aside from being stressed out, are healthy. And aside from being exhausted and stressed and anxious, I’m healthy.
It’s a lot to be grateful for and I am grateful. But I need a fucking break. I need more than one week where I can relax and allow myself to let go of the stress and anxiety without watching it all fly back and hit me in the face. I’m not at any risk of self-harm or a mental break, but I am definitely overwhelmed. And I can’t operate at a state of being overwhelmed for long because then I do start suffering from impulses of self-harm and I do not want to go there. Not again. Not right now.
I don’t have a point, really. I’m just not doing well today. Any positive thoughts you could send this direction is much appreciated.
Don’t worry I know how it feels to be spent and overwhelmed. The thought that people are going through lot worse even though logical is hardly enough to feel alright because sadness is sadness, someone’s else’s plight makes you feel you are not alone but it can’t make your own worries vanish. It’s alright and even good to want a break. I’m glad that everyone’s okay and you deserve a break especially now and even in the future every once in a while. So feel free to express your stress and get some rest and then tell us about the comfort. Sometimes perfect things are also exhausting so not so perfect events can be cut some slack. Sending you a warm virtual hug.