It’s the end of summer.

Usually this time of year, I’m out in the woods at every possible chance I get. Because of Covid-19 and now the rampaging forest fires, my summer has been cut off from one of my greatest mental and emotional rejuvenation spots. I don’t know when I’ll get back out into the woods. I know the fires will end eventually, but how much damage will be done in the meantime? How many of my favorite natural haunts have been decimated by fires?

The smoke has me fatigued. The fires have me cooped up inside and depressed. I’m overwhelmed emotionally. I’m overwhelmed physically. My things are all safe and my home wasn’t touched by fires, and I am endlessly grateful for that because a lot of people weren’t that lucky, but I am still exhausted. I’m utterly spent. This year has been one emotional fallout after another, and that on the heels of 2019, a year that I thought would break me.

I’m lucky to have the support I do. I’m lucky to have the friends I do. I’m lucky to have a boyfriend I can count on, someone who cares about me and communicates openly with me. But I am still tired. 2020 has been nothing but trauma and I don’t know how to keep processing it all. My anxiety and depression have been worse this week than they have been in a while. The Prosac helps, but it doesn’t eliminate the symptoms of either. I’m still working full time and in grad school full time.

I feel like I need a week of nothing but books and whatever writing I want to get done. I’m just tired. I’m sleeping fine most nights and it never feels like enough. I need a break. So today I’m going to give myself whatever space I need to do and feel what will allow me to unwind. I don’t know if it will help, but I’m hoping so. I also want to remember the good things happening in my life right now because there are several. But I don’t want to ignore or deny what I’m feeling because that’s not healthy.

So today is for doing what I can and remembering that I am enough no matter how much I do or don’t get done.