Wow, it has been a busy week!
Work has been picking up for me in my job. I’ve been receiving training on more technical aspects of what designers at our company do, like how to conduct site visits, how to fill out the checklists, how to identify electrical equipment, and how to write evaluative reports. I’ve gone on four site visits now, with more coming up in a couple of weeks. This is really exciting for me. I love learning new things and seeing just how far outside of my comfort zone I can push myself. My employer has been really wonderful about not pigeon holing me into just one thing. I’m given new duties, new responsibilities, and I’m given time to learn them.
There’s no downside to this, but it does mean that my work week is more hectic than it used to be. I’m working overtime for the first time in my life, and while I am exhausted this week adjusting to the increase in hours, I’m also enjoying what I’m doing. I’m challenged beyond my normal experience to push into fields I never would have without this job. And while, at first, I considered this to be a stepping stone to my other ambitions, I’m seeing this job as something much more long term.
Initially, I thought I’d graduate with my M.F.A. and go on to be a teacher. But leaving my ex meant that I needed to earn more money than I could on an adjunct’s salary. I have full time work, health benefits, and advancement opportunities at my job. I like the people I work with. Leaving for an adjunct’s position is simply not on the table. Moreover, I am really tired of academia. I love and have loved my M.F.A. program, but the school itself is another story. Empty gestures of being allies to Black, Indigenous, and other people of color. Hardly doing the bare minimum, despite the fact that Portland, Oregon is founded on a deeply racist history that has persisted over the years. White people often assume that just because Oregon/Portland tends to lean Democrat, that it means we’re super liberal and progressive.
That’s a big no.
Portland might be better at hiding/masking its racism, but it’s still there. And it’s strong. Our school is located in Downtown Portland, so you’d think they’d be more involved in the anti-racism movements based in this city, but that’s also a big no. It’s performative allyship. Empty. No substance, no heart, no actual desire to learn and grow. Seeing it has been eye-opening in terms of what it means to be an educator in this climate. And while I would love to have a job where I can talk about books and writing all day, I think the role of English teacher needs to progress beyond that into something much more intentionally anti-racist. Something blatant. Something overt. And higher academia in our school, at least, just doesn’t seem to want that evolution. And while I think there is something to be said for writers and artists and educators trying to make those changes from within, I know for myself that 1) I have so much more to learn about how to be anti-racist to be of any real help to such a cause, and 2) until I’ve done that work of decolonizing myself, I will not put myself in a position to potentially perpetuate harm on the students I will encounter. I’ve seen what that does, how dehumanizing and exhausting it is for Black, Indigenous, and other students of color to so constantly have to educate their educators.
I love talking about books and about craft and about writing. I can do those things, even in an educative atmosphere, without teaching at an institution.
Which means that I’ve been rethinking what to do with my professional career. If teaching at a college is now not as “on the table” as it was before, then where will all of this lead me? Well, I’m not taking anything completely off the table. I still have that desire to teach English at the college level, but it isn’t something I’m going to pursue right away. The great thing about being a writer is that I can pursue that while also working full time in my job. Because writing has been and always will be my primary goal in life. As long as I can provide for myself while having time to focus on writing, I will be happy and fulfilled.
This job could take me some really wonderful places. My M.F.A. certainly has. I never thought I’d be pursuing poetry so consistently until this program. Staying open to new ideas, new roads, new possibilities is only going to provide me with more opportunities. So right now, I’m grateful. I’m open. I’m learning. I’m growing. And I am kicking ass. I will continue to do these things to build myself a life of fulfillment, of happiness, of growth, and of love.
