2021 has been a complex year.
There has been good. There has been bad. There has been tragedy. There has been healing.
Looking forward to next year, I can’t help but ask myself what I hope I will accomplish, what I hope I will find, and what I hope I will leave behind.
As for what I hope I will leave behind, I’m sure many of you can guess. I still carry too much of other people’s expectations, their words, their opinions of me. When really, their words and opinions can only make any difference if I let them. Next year, I hope to leave behind all of my impulses to care about their opinions. I don’t want to live in or near the shadow of their misery. What they say and do in regards to me hurts, but I get to choose how to live my life. Those determined to lie about me will continue lying, so I might as well continue living, writing, thriving.
Which leads me to what I hope I will accomplish. In January I’ll begin my M.A. in Literature. I’m honestly counting the days. I feel like this new program will help me close the door on one chapter and open another on a new chapter. That chapter might lead to a PhD, but even if it doesn’t, I will get to spend the next two years studying what I love: literature. And while I was able to study literature in my M.F.A., this time I’ll be studying with an academic and scholarly lens. I began my creative writing journey years ago. This is, I feel, the real beginning of my scholarly writing journey.
I see myself writing scholarly books on the authors I most love. I see myself writing for scholarly journals. I see myself studying hard, reading closely, and adding my voice to the chorus of others writing about the books and authors I am continuously drawn to. I see myself even studying abroad to deepen my research and my understanding of specific places and the roles they play in these books. I see myself fully embracing the writer, reader, studier, and scholar I know I am. This will mean devotedly leaving behind anything and everything that will distract me from this goals, but what better pursuit is there than being my most authentic self?
That’s what I hope to find. More of myself. No more second-guessing. No more insecurity. No more self-doubt. Only the nurturing of my own interests. Only the nurturing of my own growth, my own healing, my own courage. I left an abusive marriage after ten years and I am continuing to choose to heal, to grow, to unlearn the internalized self-hatred. The courage this takes and continues to demand is immeasurable. I hope to find more truths of my past, of my present, and of what I want for the future. I left my ex to rebuild my life. Next year I hope to continue that process.
I also hope to read 100 books of poetry next year. Roughly two books of poetry each week. Some rereads, some for the first time, some classical poets, some contemporary. And this on top of what I’ll be reading for school. I hope to write 150 new poems in 2021, continuing my process of consistent creativity. Moreover, I also want to give myself writing retreats into the woods and the ocean each season so that I can continue focusing on my poetry.
I love the month of December because it helps me prioritize my goals and hopes for the coming year. It helps me focus. And while I don’t claim 2022 as “my year,” I do claim it as a fresh chance to make my life what I hope it will be.
What do you hope for in 2022?
