The only thing I have left to complete before graduating with my M.F.A. in Creative Writing is the final residency this summer.

Since my thesis was accepted by the faculty, I’ve been working on getting prepared for the last residency. It has been one hell of a hectic time because work has been picking up. I’ve gone on two out-of-town trips for work, one of which took me to two different states. I’ve been learning so much and increasing my skillset, which has been both enjoyable and stressful. I am not a technical person, nor do I have a technical background, so some of the more specifically technical aspects of my job have been heavy, but interesting. I’m enjoying what I’ve learned.

I wish I could say my graduate school experience was entirely positive, but that would be false. The lectures, the faculty mentors, and the writing itself have been beyond what I could have hoped for. I’m finding my place in the literary world, and that feeling is one I genuinely cannot describe. It’s like a stepping into destiny, but without any settled direction or outcome. I am immensely proud of the person I have become, both as a writer and as a general human being, over the course of this program. I’ve shed the skin I needed to shed. I’ve strengthened the parts of me I needed to strengthen. I’ve learned some truly valuable lessons about myself and other people.

Unfortunately, some of those lessons took away from the experience and added so much stress, pain, confusion, and loss, overshadowing a lot of what I had hoped would be a positive experience. I was naïve to think that my divorce would be the only disappointment I faced over the course of two years. Casual dating turned into a desire for commitment, and therein lies a huge portion of that pain and disappointment. But at the same time, those hurts made me hold out for the kind of relationship I knew I deserved, and I cannot begin to express how much that choice paid off. I’m with a partner who has treated me better than my ex ever did, and he treats me better than the bulk of my friendships. He’s the best man I have ever known.

I guess one of the lessons I’m learning is that things can be complex and complicated without diminishing their impact. My grad school experience can be tremendously amazing and challenging while also carrying moments of sadness and pain. And I can be sad about nearing the end of my education while also feeling the need to just have it done. There are definitely circumstances and people I never want to see or think about again. And as I’m going through EMDR therapy, focusing on these particular hurts and traumas so that I can heal from them and unlearn the habits that got me through them, I’m reminded of how much I’ve already grown, healed, and learned.

There’s a peacefulness that comes with gaining deeper insight into who I am and how I function. Tomorrow will be my second session of EMDR. After what I felt and realized and held close during and after that session, I am excited and nervous to continue the process. Healing is hard and painful. Reliving the things I felt in some of the darkest moments of my life is hard. But I want a wholehearted life, one where I thrive. I’m already building such a life in many ways, but I don’t want to cut corners on any of it. So, onward I go to more healing.

In only a couple of weeks, I’ll be celebrating my one-year anniversary with my partner. I am the luckiest person alive to be with him, to be loved by him. There is no man like him anywhere else. Every other man I’ve been with, every man I’ve known, they all fall drastically short in comparison to the person I get to call my partner. Last night in bed, while he was playing Word of Warcraft on his laptop and we were watching Bob’s Burgers, I was half asleep with my cat purring between us, and my partner said, “Honey, I can’t stop thinking about how much I love you,” and my heart about burst. I was out of town over the weekend visiting one of my absolute best friends in La Grande, and my partner has been so loving, so affectionate since I came home.

For the first time in my life, I don’t have to doubt or question how much I matter in a romantic relationship.

So now I’m looking for the same thing in friendships. I’m not interested in friendships that make me doubt how much I matter. There are people in my life who consistently show me that I am loved, and they are the people I invest in. This is a lesson it took me way too long to learn, and I sincerely wish every friend I used to have and no longer have the best and happiest lives. While there are still pains, and while I still am angry over some things, overall, I want them to thrive. I cheer them on, though they will never know that I do. I hope for the best for them, though I doubt they do the same for me. And eventually, I will reach a point where I no longer think about them at all. That’s why I am in therapy. To sever all of those connections so that I can live my life free of their shadows. I hope they eventually reach the same point with me.

It’s Tuesday. I am grateful.

Watch me build a glorious life.